So YouTube's got this channel called, suitably, "YouTube Movies," on which they offer a huge number of movies that are "free with ads," or, in the case of anyone sporting an ad-blocker, just "free." A lot of them are...really bad. I adore terrible movies. I will tell you about some of them.

By far the worst movie was "Apartment 1303," an English-language remake of a Japanese horror movie of the same name. Here's the plot:

1. Mischa Barton's sister moves into a crummy apartment.
2. The apartment immediately says, "Hi, I'm extremely haunted."
3. The creepy neighbor girl says, "Hey, that apartment isn't lying; it's insanely haunted and you should leave."
4. Mischa Barton's sister doesn't leave.
5. The apartment kills her.
6. Mischa Barton says, "I guess I'll move in, then."
7. The apartment kills everyone else in the movie except Mischa Barton.
8. Mischa Barton goes to jail because the apartment FRAMED HER FOR MURDER(S).
9. The end.

Today I watched "Before I Go to Sleep," a psychological thriller in which a 40-year-old Nicole Kidman, as a result of suffering a traumatic brain injury 14 years prior, wakes up every morning thinking she's still in her mid-20s. Her memories only last until she goes to sleep.

Every morning when she wakes up, her husband has to explain to her, "Hey, we've been married for a long time. You had an accident and can't remember stuff. You can read a book if you want; I'm gonna go to work." A psychiatrist happens upon her by chance, and has her start video-recording her memories at the end of each day. But she has to keep the whole thing secret from her husband. Because reasons.

Like five minutes in, the psychiatrist is like, "Oh, no, you didn't have an accident. You were beaten almost to death." So you, as the viewer, naturally, think, "Oh, shit, either that's not her husband, or her husband's lying."

So then nothing happens for like an hour, and Nicole Kidman's friend is like, "Hey, that's not your husband." Wow. Just. What a revelation. I guess he tried to kill Nicole Kidman because he was "the other guy" and he wanted to be "the main guy" but Nicole was happy with their current arrangement.

Instead of getting over it, "the other guy" like...bided his time and got really good at Photoshop, I guess? And then when Nicole Kidman and "the main guy" separated, "the other guy" swept in and assumed his identity.

Nicole Kidman fell in love with "the other guy" pretending to be "the main guy," and, so, I guess he got jealous of...himself?...and went into another violent rampage.

Oh also her son's still alive and at the end she remembers a little bit about him. But I guess the real takeaway from the movie is that if you have a horrible condition in which you can't form any new memories and are, thus, functionally unable to be self-sufficient, when you disappear off the face of the Earth for four years, not a single one of your acquaintances will be like, "Hey, I wonder where that person went? I should probably check up on them, given that they have a pretty severe condition. It can wait until tomorrow, though, I guess."

The end.


@ishiku Just reviewing some, uh, great films!

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